Are women better kissers?
Have you ever kissed someone who really sucked? I mean, literally tried to suck the lips right off your face? I have. Recently. And I had the purple lower lip to prove it.
While powerful suction can be such an asset in other areas, it can be a major no no on soft lips. But this gent, who I’ll call “Mr. Hoover” probably thought by sucking on my lower lip repeatedly he was using some sexy signature move. But this isn’t “Body Heat.” I don’t have a sexy voice like Kathleen Turner. When I kiss a man, I expect to wake up the next morning without looking like someone punched me in the mouth. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently. You see, Mr. Hoover isn’t the first guy who got the kissing thing all wrong. There was the guy that licked my cheek over and over again. There was the guy that didn’t realize I had my own tongue and left his own slimy and cold resting in my mouth. There was the guy who darted his tastebuds into my mouth and licked the inside of my teeth. A quick summation of why guys get it wrong: All penetration. No finesse.
I would argue with some confidence when a girl is about to kiss a guy on that first or second date, there’s about a 50-50 chance it will be bad. Strike that. Terrible. And for any bi or gay guy reading this, you know what we’re talking about. You probably just care about the kissing a little bit less. But when you’re dating a bi woman, you have to realize that you’re competing with all the women she’s kissed. And that’s some steep competition.
I’ve only had one bad female kisser my entire life, where the rhythm was all off and it was just yuck. The rest of the ladies have been much more skilled, sensual and talented than their male counterparts. Women know the tongue’s not a constant that’s supposed to be shoved into your mouth. It’s a tool to be added with a hint of surprise in an erotic moment like dessert at the end of a surprisingly good meal. It’s about teasing and tasting and something unnameable—something that pulls you closer and flicks your switch.
When a guy’s kissing you as hard has he can, pulling your head into his lips to the point of discomfort, darting his tongue down your throat, and literally sucking your face, he’s not making the moment more romantic. He’s not proving he’s hot. He’s just makes us worry how reckless that mouth might be in other areas.
But every once in awhile, there’s a guy who can really kiss. He has soft lips, perfect timing, sensuality. He holds your face in his hands gently and just kisses you. Simply. Perfectly.
Those guys are hard to dump.
So boys, if you’re still bothering to read this, here’s a little secret: be good kissers if you can. Sure, the sex part matters. But if you can master the kiss, we’ll remember you.
We’ll keep you around. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll make it to the second date.
p.s. Don’t give us hickeys either unless we’re under the age of 17, and even then, they get us in trouble and make us look like whores. — Nicole
Mr. Hoover
Monday, July 2, 2007
